am i me ?

the dawn, the early morning, the morning .. and the sun rising high and high to get me out of my bed. It has already waken me up since when i did not want to. The whole night was a hide and seek as if i and sleeplessness were in a competition of defeating each other. sometimes i won and sometimes it knocked me out and i was left to stare the ceiling or thinking with the closed eyes!

i think a lot. To a great extent, and i have this problem i was a tiny little kid who doesn't carry a memory. i think even when i am not thinking and i wonder how people help it when they don't. A long time i hid this, that i think like anything. i remember the days when people asked me to think about something and then chased me up for what did i think and i always said that i did not know, i did not think and i could not think; while the fact was the opposite!

i am opposite - opposite to myself. sometimes i feel i am not what i am. i am not what i should be and i am someone else but me. While sometimes i realize i was meant to be me. i am me. who else can fit into this role and can characterize it? if it were to be somebody else then it would have been somebody else. No? - and now when it's me, it is only me who can perform this role the best - which means i am in the right frame of myself and i have to go like this ... but then why do i feel confusions, and spaces in me ,why do i feel i am not me?

am i? or am i not? is the war in me !

i want to win or lose, not caught in the middle. It's miserable!