Hope

I'm a great mess and I can't even write what I really want to. I'll remain in this mess unless I see light!

Light - which comes from within and aspires you.

For rest of your life.

And you are never lost again.

am i me ?

the dawn, the early morning, the morning .. and the sun rising high and high to get me out of my bed. It has already waken me up since when i did not want to. The whole night was a hide and seek as if i and sleeplessness were in a competition of defeating each other. sometimes i won and sometimes it knocked me out and i was left to stare the ceiling or thinking with the closed eyes!

i think a lot. To a great extent, and i have this problem i was a tiny little kid who doesn't carry a memory. i think even when i am not thinking and i wonder how people help it when they don't. A long time i hid this, that i think like anything. i remember the days when people asked me to think about something and then chased me up for what did i think and i always said that i did not know, i did not think and i could not think; while the fact was the opposite!

i am opposite - opposite to myself. sometimes i feel i am not what i am. i am not what i should be and i am someone else but me. While sometimes i realize i was meant to be me. i am me. who else can fit into this role and can characterize it? if it were to be somebody else then it would have been somebody else. No? - and now when it's me, it is only me who can perform this role the best - which means i am in the right frame of myself and i have to go like this ... but then why do i feel confusions, and spaces in me ,why do i feel i am not me?

am i? or am i not? is the war in me !

i want to win or lose, not caught in the middle. It's miserable!

uuhh

you don't know me or you have felt the pain and suffering i bore!

i am hungry and i need to get back to work which i haven't attended for days!

it's really hot here i want to run away ...



i don't make sense right now ... i ll go

a come back .. a myth

a come back to writing. really? long time being here. dwelled the other place. lived in papers, sheets, tit bits of thoughts. wonder why things occurring like this. why old things popping up to my life like miners find antiques out of nowhere suddenly and then they scream excitingly oh! we have found something rarest !

have i found something? or lost myself again? am i excited? or depressed than ever? given i have no answer yet i believe i have put aside the ego and self possession of mine. my conviction put back into the drawer and i am flowing with what's going to happen. am i going with the flow or curiosity of unknown or do i want to know what written lines are dragging me toward; and i am dragged to find out what actually is the end. should i move along or stop here? should i gather all things and put back and stand again like a rock? shouldn't i remember how much hatred i have in me and how i angry i am? shouldn't i remember what was done to me? should i forget how much insult was made to me when i did not deserve? should i forget inspite of these i am living upto the corner like a hanging man from a cliff, if lost the balance fallen forever and no come back and if stayed there, died of pains in a wait that somebody would resuce?

what if nobody comes and i die there forever like this man - never to come back? would it satisfy the alive souls? would it bring a life to insaner and cruel? don't they feel guilty? why would they? life doesn't bestow a learning out of nothing- it takes a test then teaches and everybody learns from his own bearings, sufferings and lessons !

Lessons!

why am i repeating the mistake again. the third time. why? they may think anything about this about me - as usual bad - i smile - yes i smiles, yes they think bad - like i am left, i am alone, i feel shame, i realize, i need them .... blah blah blah... and i smile again !

do i care or do i don't? why should i ? maybe because it's me and i can't change myself. it was them and they can't change themselves. i don't consider them. i consider him.

him!

i hate him. first claims and then blames. why? am i a puppet made of cotton or a feelingless doll? am i a doll? ain't people responsible for there words and acts they do undue to me or others? i heard words are more injurious than sword - why then they don't find themselves accountable for what they do - or blame?

Blames!

not again.. i am quiet not because i don't have anything to say or the others don't make mistakes; i am quite because i don't complain, blame or insult the feelings; and on top i don't want to make them feel bad about themselves - because once i cared and

yes still i care .. that remains a myth - a question, unanswered !

when everything served ..

......and the wreck,
this headache seems to kill me
when nothing else seems to bother me, the head brings this ache to me like telling me hey you can't sit idle - there is no peace for you !
everything served to make it worse today-

the split had to go out of order,
everybody had to feel hot,
the fan had to slap my head,
the window had to remain open,
the light had to fall direct on my moniter,
the rays had to hit my eyes and head,
the work had to increase
the deadline had to meet
i had to sit late
the traffic had to rush
the roads had to get busy
everything seemed to synchronize with each other causing this killy pain
and the day had to make bad !

please come somebody ... and pick me from the hell !

nobody listens ..... i am dying

hey .. hey

here it comes!
my saver
my rickshaw man :)